The truth is always painful
by LovelyDomination
Summary: Kaoru realizes that he's in love with Hikaru. But he thinks thinks Hikaru would hate him if he knew. Afraid that Hikaru might figure it out, he begins to avoid him. KaoruxHikaru. Rated M for future smut.
1. Chapter 1

**_This is one of my first stories, and my first HikaruxKaoru story. I hope you like it!  
_**

Hikaru and Kaoru were in the library of their huge home. They had just gotten home from school, host club having been canceled today because of some of the other member's families having important meetings at which they were required to attend.

Kaoru glanced sideways at Hikaru from across the room. Kaoru was relaxing on the couch with one leg on the floor one on the couch, in front of the expansive wall of books; Hikaru sat far, _far_ away from him cross-legged in front of the floor to ceiling window, just staring. Kaoru had been reading, but was completely distracted by Hikaru's lack of noise. _Even when he's not trying to distract me. _Kaoru sighed.

He tried to see Hikaru's face in the window's reflection, but gave up quickly...despite the rain, it was still too bright outside for a reflection. It was late autumn and getting colder, people were beginning to decorate their houses with lights and the Hiitachin's window offered the best view of the neighborhood decorations. All that was missing was the snow... and the joyful atmosphere.

With the book dangling from his hand which drooped lazily over his knee, he rested his face on top of his arm and sighed out loud, hoping it would get his despondant brother's attention. Hikaru looked miserable. He didn't have to see his face to know that.

Kaoru sighed again, inwardly this time, when breaking the silence had got no reaction out of Hikaru. Normally, if one of them twitched the other would notice, so this spacey, depressed version of Hikaru was making Kaoru feel on edge. He knew why he was like this, so he wasn't surprised at his dark mood. Still... Kaoru thought, a lump formed in his throat. I wish he didn't care.

Just this week, he had accepted that Haruhi didn't have feelings for him. Kaoru snorted in amusement. _What a stupid girl. Who would take that idiot prince over my brother._

His brother was the perfect guy. If she couldn't see past his sometimes gritty exterior, then she should'nt get him.

_He'll always be mine first and foremost anyways, no matter what_- Kaoru lost his train of thought to see Hikaru had turned around and looked at him with a slight smirk, "Kaoru?"

"Huh?" Kaoru was confused, had he laughed out loud? Shoot. ...oh well. At least it got Hikaru to smile. Seeing Hikaru smile was a relief, to say the least. Despite his own major problem, he still managed to worry about all of Hikaru's. He returned Hikaru's grin with a wider grin of his own.

Kaoru looked past Hikaru for a second. It was so beautiful. He wanted to go see the lights, walk in the rain, with Hikaru ...like they did when they were kids. Despite his small teasing smirk, Hikaru's eyes looked tired. Perhaps a walk would get his mind off of her.

Kaoru opened his mouth to ask him if he wanted to go when Hikaru noticed, and suddenly seemed to remember he was sad. His face fell and he turned back to the window solemnly. _Grrrrrr. HIKARU! _Sometimes he could be such a baby. Kaoru huffed in his mind and tightened his hands into fists at Hikaru's slight, but clear request to be left alone. He thought about getting up and forcing a response out of him, or at least giving him a hug... Anything to make some sort of connection-Kaoru felt so cut off lately. But no. No. That can't happen. Kaoru felt storms cloud his mind, just as the one outside began to build up knocking swaying tree limbs against the outside walls. Kaoru remembered his recent revelation and felt miserable. _I am in love with Hikaru._

He didn't know exactly when it happened... In fact, the more he thought about it, the more it seemed like he had _always_ loved Hikaru. But ever since he had made that revelation, being around Hikaru made him feel an overwhelming range of emotions, from uncomfortablely hot and nervous to miserable and terrified. Nothing scared him more than Hikaru finding out. Nothing. And because of that, he had kept his distance. Not that he needed to, he thought sullenly. Hikaru had been so upset about Haruhi recently, that he hadn't even noticed Kaoru's change in behavior. If it wasn't for that, he's sure that Hikaru would've said something immediately...and probably held him down until he told him what he wanted, which wouldn't have helped his situation at all, Kaoru blushed. _Perhaps it's best that we do grow apart-_

"What cha' thinking, Kaoru?" Kaoru yelped and jumped back, pulling both legs in front of him when he saw Hikaru leaning over him, looking very curious and smiling lightly like he had again forgotten he was depressed. Hikaru's eyes widened, and Kaoru realized immediately that that was a very weird response. He quickly released his grip on his legs and tried hard to relax, but Hikaru was already smirking. Kaoru knew that look...Hikaru wanted to play. He groaned silently, what happened to down on his luck Hikaru? He looked at his beautiful twin and felt _it. _That shock. That feeling of longing, of want. _No._

Hikaru climbed over Karou and pushed his arms to his sides keeping him from moving. _No...no...NO!_ Kaoru tried to remain calm. He couldn't let anything show on his face...or in...worse...places. _Ugh! This is so wrong! _Hikaru leaned in closely, Kaoru desperately trying to avoid his eyes, and Hikaru taking it like a game, purposely trying to catch his sight. Finally Kaoru closed his eyes, trying not to focus on Hikaru's warm cocoa and peppermint scented breath as he asked in a teasing, sing-song voice, "Tell me, Kaoru." He blew on Kaoru's face, and said lowly, "I want to know...and you're not leaving 'til I do." He chuckled lightly. Kaoru knew that if he wanted, he could push Hikaru off of him, but that would've looked suspicious, and he wasn't sure he wanted to. This was the first time Hikaru had even payed attention to him all day. Kaoru wondered why his brother was doing this now. Was this how regular siblings behaved? He never questioned Hikaru's behavior before... and Hikaru _had_ done this before. Perhaps it was his lustful mind, distorting it into something darker. He almost hoped that he was right. That Hikaru did what he did because he enjoyed being with Kaoru, touching him, holding him, talking to him so closely. But no. He knew his brother didn't see him that way. He wasn't going to lie to himself. Hikaru was an idiot. He regularly harassed a bunch of people. It wasn't geared specially toward him.

Kaoru opened his eyes to stare at Hikaru in the eyes, he knew what he was about to do was low, but he couldn't tell Hikaru the truth, and it was the quickest way out he could think of. "I was just wondering if Tamaki made his move, or if you just gave up?"

Hikaru looked as though Kaoru had just stabbed him, and he regretted it the moment the words left his mouth. Kaoru knew he had had to get out of the situation, but there must've been a better way.

Hikaru released him and sat up. He had such a hurt look on his face that Kaoru wanted to hug him. He had wanted to startle him and reverse the attention, but hadn't thought about what he was going to say or how, so what he had said was probably the worst thing he could've said. But having already said it, he had to keep up the act so Hikaru wouldn't realize he was purposefully changing the conversation; he kept his face blank.

Hikaru saw through it. "What the fuck, Kaoru?" He growled, angrily. Kaoru could tell that it wasn't just that he had hit a cord, but that Hikaru knew he had purposefully hit it. He could tell he was trying not to tear up. Hikaru hated crying in front of anyone, even his brother. His eyes were filled with unshed tears, and Kaoru felt as though he was the one who had been stabbed. He wanted to hug Hikaru and apologize over and over. But..._perhaps it's better this way. NO. It ____is__ better this way. ____I can't love him. I can't love Hikaru. I can't love my own brother._

Kaoru stood, head low so Hikaru couldn't see his face. _I'm sorry...Hikaru._ He was afraid Hikaru could see him shaking with pain, but if Hikaru realized that he had hurt him on purpose, he would never forgive him. This was good. Maybe if Hikaru hated him. Maybe if they stopped being around each other. _Maybe I'll stop loving him. _His eyes filled with tears and he walked out before he could start crying himself, feeling Hikaru's hurt, angry, confused eyes follow him out. As soon as he closed the door, he rushed to the empty guest room, knowing if he went to their room he would be forced to encounter Hikaru again. He ran inside, closed it quietly and sunk to the ground holding his head in his hands, letting himself sob quietly. _Hikaru...I'm sorry..._


	2. Chapter 2

Kaoru ran faster feeling the adrenaline running through his veins as his feet pounded the pavement. He had left the house while it was still dark. Whether it was early morning or still nighttime, Kaoru didn't know. He guessed it was about 6 or 7 am, but with it being winter, it was always hard to tell as the darkness stayed longer, refusing to let go of night.

He hadn't been able to sleep. The moments he had fallen into slumber were plagued with nightmares that caused him to wake up stressed and terrified. It wasn't even the nightmares themselves-in fact he could barely remember any of them-but the feelings that he had forced into hiding revealing themselves through his dreams, when he wasn't conscious enough to rid himself of their torture.

He paused, barely panting. This was the end of his normal route but he still had so much pent up frustration. He jogged in place. Maybe I'll go toward town.

He rushed across the main neighborhood street and turned onto the main road that led downtown. He just didn't want to see Hikaru. He needed to blow off steam before he could return to acting casually. Despite his earlier resolve...he realized that making Hikaru hate him, was not something that he really wanted. And although he was sure Hikaru would be angry with him, he knew it wouldn't be enough to make him hate Kaoru. But...he will want an explantion, and if I keep lying when he knows I am lying, I really will hurt him.

The thought slowed Kaoru's jog to a walk as he came closer to reaching town. _I can't hurt him. I won't hurt him. If I hurt him over my stupidity, I will never forgive myself._

_I'll just...have to convince him I'm fine-_

Kaoru's thoughts were interrupted as was almost run over by a car as he was crossing a road. "Watch it" He hissed loudly at the driver and glared at the car window. Because of the car lights blinding him, he couldn't see the driver, but he was sure, even without the lights, he still wouldn't have been able to make out his face.

"Hikaru?"

The car slowed down and the window rolled open. Kaoru was so used to be called his brother's name, so perked up whenever he heard either.

"Mmm? Do I know you?"

A light switched on in the car, illuminating the inside and the driver. Tamaki was well dressed and way too energetic for such an early time. He appeared surprised at seeing Kaoru up so early.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm Kaoru. And, I could ask you the same thing." Kaoru said pointedly. Ugh. He sounded so much like Hikaru with those words.

Tamaki glanced around searching for any sign of Hikaru. "Where's Hikaru, then?"

Kaoru scowled and tapped his foot, "Do I always have to be aware of that idiot's whereabouts?"

Tamaki's look of shock made him laugh and he relented. "Yo, what are you doing so early this morning, milord?"

"OH! I am SO glad you asked Kaoru!" Tamaki's face lit up like a christmas tree, "I'm sure you are aware that our dear little Haruhi has a birthday coming up. And her daddy is in charge of all the planning." He flourished his hands, while Kaoru listened impatiently, already annoyed at again hearing Haruhi mentioned. What was so great about her. She looked like a boy and had the flattest personality of anyone he'd ever met. He knew he was being mean, but he couldn't stop himself. He was just so sick of hearing her name. "Are you listening, Kaoru?"

"Oh..ah...yes." Kaoru glanced over toward his neighborhood. "Is it going to take you awhile?"

"Oh yes...everything needs to be perfect. It'll probably take me all day." Tamaki smiled silkily, "Why do you ask?"

Kaoru walked around to the passenger's side and before Tamaki could protest opened to door and hopped inside. "I'm going with you."

Anything to avoid the issue waiting for him at home.

* * *

Real quick chapter. Sorry for those following...I know the wait was WAY too long, but I was struggling to write a 2nd chapter.(Still not quite happy with this one, it feels too much like a filler to me...but... it is what it is. And I want to post the next chapters that I wrote awhile ago, cause they're good.)

I know this one is uneventful...but the next one is interesting. I swear!

I'll post the next chapter either tomorrow or the day after. ;) All comments are welcome. :)


	3. Chapter 3

At last, it was too late to not go home. Kaoru had managed to avoid it all day, but it had grown dark and he was getting tired.

He arrived at the mansion and quickly stepped to the front doors. He opened them slowly and glanced around. Hikaru was no where to be seen. He let a silent sigh of relief escape him and he closed the door, paying attention to turn the handle and then release so it didn't make a sound. He walked silently, sidling against the wall, hiding behind every door sill and decorative side tables that lined the walls, enjoying feeling like a thief...or a ninja, sneaking inside someone else's home to cause trouble. He grinned mischievously. He just had to get up the stairs and out of the main hall. If he was good, perhaps nobody would even notice him.

"Welcome home, mast-"

"AIIIYYYAAAhhhh!" Kaoru screamed and fell backwards into a front hall side table almost knocking it over. The two maids that had greeted him quickly saved the vase from a quick demise, but failed to aid their young master and the back of his skull met the floor with a painful thump.

"Oooooo" Kaoru hissed, pulling air in through his teeth.

"There you are Kaoru!" he heard Hikaru's voice echo and bounce around the huge hall and lifted his head to see three Hikaru's coming toward him with a smile. When their eyes met, Hikaru's smile fell. "You okay?!"

"ahh...Yeah." Kaoru groaned to tell him he was fine, "Nothing shattered but my dignity."

Hikaru chuckled, and shooed the maids away, "I got it." Before Kaoru could protest he had swept him up in his arms bridal style and was skipping happily toward their bedroom. "I'm not letting you go, until we talk whatever happened yesterday out." Hikaru teasing with a smile. Hikaru seemed almost impish. Kaoru's heart beat faster. Hikaru had no idea how sexy that teasing grin of his was.

If talking about yesterday hadn't made Kaoru so nervous, he probably would've laughed. Hikaru was in a great mood today. It was great seeing him like this after he had been becoming more and more depressed with as likeliness of his feelings for Haruhi being unrequited became more apparent. How she could resist his tempting twin, he had no idea. _More for me_, he smiled and gave Hikaru a mischievous look. Hikaru returned it with his own, "What are you thinking Kaoru?"

"I'm just wondering how any girl could refuse such a dashing, good-looking man like you Hikaru?" Yes. He was flirting. But this wasn't a new thing at all. Hikaru and Kaoru would always taunt each other, though it never went farther than that. What better way to solve boredom than challenge each other, test limits, take each other by surprise? So whenever outside stimulation was scarce, they would play with each other.

Evidently though, the subject was still touchy for Hikaru.

His arms grew stiff and Kaoru looked up worriedly, "I'm sorry, Hikaru! You don't want to talk about it...I understand." His twin's voice seemed to shock him from his trance and he smiled sadly, "No. No...in fact, we need to. It seems you are a little bit jealous of Haruhi...right, Kaoru?" what started as an honest question turned Hikaru's smile into a smirk near the end, when he realized he had pinned him.

Sometimes his childish older twin really did surprise him, "How did you...am I that transparent?"

"Well, I could say it was because we're twins... and I can read your mind." He looked thoughtful as they reached the twins room and he kicked the door closed. "But pretty much everyone noticed. Haruhi even told me that I need to spend more time with you."

Kaoru looked down sulkily, "But..."

Hikaru laid Kaoru on the bed and propped a pillow underneath his head. He ran his hands through his brother's hair noticing the recent bump on the back of his head, "But...I was just too worried about myself." He looked down apologetically, "Sorry..." But his voice got lighter and he looked excited, "But to make up for it, I've decided. You get a whole day to do whatever you want." He looked so energetic that Kaoru felt his stress leave him and he looked as his brother's passionate golden eyes.

"Whatever I want..." Kaoru trailed off. Hmmm...what would he like to do.

Lust-filled thoughts filled his mind before he could shut them off. What would Hikaru's lips taste like? He couldn't stop himself from glancing at his brother's soft lips only a foot away from him, he gulped and averted his eyes. What would Hikaru look like naked? He shivered. _Stop. STOP!_

Gahh! What a stupid thought anyway. We're twins. We look the same naked!

"Kaoru...you're acting strange..." His brother's voice brought him back to reality, "Did you hear me-"

"We're twins!" Hikaru stared at his brother strangely until Kaoru realized he had blurted it out loud.

Hikaru looked amused...and curious, not good, "Good observation."

Kaoru nodded, his cheeks turning pink. It was silent for only a few seconds.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on with you?" Hikaru leaned further into Kaoru before falling over and deciding instead to climb all the way on the bed and straddle him, "Or are you going to make me drag it out of you?"

Hikaru had brought his face to Kaoru's ear and whisper just loud enough for him to hear, making him shiver.

Hikaru loved teasing his brother. The way he squirmed amused him more than anything. There was just something about his blushing, embarrassed face that was so cute. Hikaru was a bit frustrated with Kaoru, though. Even though he knew his brother considered him kinda of an idiot sometimes, he wasn't so stupid as to not realize when Kaoru was hiding something. There was something that was making Kaoru uncomfortable. Something Hikaru had done...or was doing. He knew it had to do with him, because Kaoru had been breaking eye contact much more quickly the past week.

He had even noticed when he had been dealing with his let down with Haruhi, but he hadn't been sure about what to do. Arrrgh! I wish I could just talk to a future Kaoru about talking to Kaoru. Ask him what the hell he is thinking and how can I get him to talk to me about it.

Hikaru looked down at his brother who had such a sweet expression on his face. He mouth was slightly open and his lips looked soft and plump. He suddenly had the urge to kiss them. What? What the hell am I thinking? He could his current sexual frustration was just pent up from all the annoyances that had happened lately, but he really was out of it today. this moment he was really glad Kaoru couldn't truly read his mind.

When Kaoru felt he had finally gotten control of himself, he looked up at his brother and was shocked. Hikaru was looking at him with an intense... intimate gaze. He felt heat pool in his groin and forgot how to breathe. His mouth opened of its own accord, as if his body was ready to accept whatever this strange...attraction was. Was it attraction? He didn't want to believe it, but if he could, he would say that Hikaru's gaze almost felt ...sensual. But just as he had felt it, whatever that look was, had disappeared a second later. Hikaru asked eagerly, "So?"

Geez...My mind must be making things up now.

"Um...let me think on that." Kaoru squirmed anxiously under Hikaru's weight, but Hikaru got up immediately and rushed through the bathroom door, "Kay...but don't take forever about it." Kaoru heard the shower turn on and he rolled over to turn off the bedside light. Hopefully sleep will come tonight.

* * *

_Thanks for reading! :) Feel free to comment or review. I love hearing your thoughts. ;)_

_~Ailene_


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